A Brief History of Victorian Art
02:46pm MST, 5 Feb 2007

We recently receiving feedback on our Swing Dynamite promotional material from someone who complained that the work "sucks" was sexually explicit. This is "sucks" as in "I should take classes because my dancing sucks." I'm sure that most of the millions of six-year-olds who use this term do not mean it in a sexual way. It's a fascinating example of how vulgarity is in the eye of the beholder, and the more sexually-minded you are, the more obscene things seem to you. This all reminds me of the history of Victorian art.

For the uninitiated...

A Brief History of Victorian Art

(Woman in a sculptor's studio.)

Woman: I can't pay you for this vase you made me. It's LEWD!

Artist: It's what? It's a vase. How can it be lewd?

Woman: See how the vase curves? It obviously means you want to FONDLE MY BREASTS.

Artist: It's a vase! Vases have curves! It looks pretty, see??

Woman: There is no decent reason for a vase to have curves. You very obviously intended for this vase to have BREASTS and HIPS. I can tell by the way you formed the hips that you want to grab my hips from behind, rip off my dress and slap my bottom enthusiastically.

Artist: It doesn't even have naked pictures on it!

Woman: My bottom?

Artist: No, the vase. I mean, if I'd wanted it to be sexual, I could have at least featured an undressed maiden painted on the front.

Woman: Sex? Did you just refer to having SEX with me?

Artist: What are you talking about?

Woman: Just now, you very plainly told me you wanted to undress me, paint me and have sex with me. How presumptuous, to think that just because my husband is on vacation in another city, leaving me a lonely bed for an entire week, that I would be interested in sex with you!

Artist: Er, no madam. Could we talk about the vase?

Woman: There is no way I am paying for that obscenity! Not even if you bring it with you this evening to my home at 47 Falmouth St. and beg my forgiveness!

Artist: I see. So you're not paying for it?

Woman: Certainly not! And I most certainly do not hope to see you knocking on my door at 8pm! That would be most inappropriate. Good day, sir!

(Woman leaves.)

Artist: Blimey, I'm so tired of these oversexed women. I swear, the next piece I made will look no more lovely and feminine than a lump of bleedin' coal! That'll teach them.

Back to Byroniverse